


Bound by Love and Chaos

by Azreath



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Character Death, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26224531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azreath/pseuds/Azreath
Summary: “Well, well, well. I certainly never thought I would find a member of the Zoldyck family out here, but I can’t say I’m disappointed.”Hisoka wasbold; he brought his hand up to caress Illumi’s cheek- an action that earned a shiver from the black-haired man, but he pulled away instinctively.“You have certainly caught my interest.~”They became allies; Illumi dared not say friends, his mother would kill him, and slowly but surely he fell deeper and deeper into this new emotion that he didn’t have a name for. They teamed up on missions, helped each other when they got injured, and always offered one another a place to stay. Truly, it was a dedication, a feeling Illumi had never felt before he met Hisoka.However, a paradise can be taken apart with such ease.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 13
Kudos: 86





	Bound by Love and Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> This work consists of VERY HEAVY angst, and consists of very triggering topics, including: suicide, physical and mental abuse, self harm, and other descriptions of violence. 
> 
> Keep in mind that while this includes elements of romance, it does not have a happy ending.

Loneliness is a harsh thing. It consumes your very being, eating away at your mind as its corruption surrounds your soul and crushes you down to a shell of your former self. It’s even harder when you've never known anything but pain and nightmares, never knowing love, or even what love is. _Especially when you know you never will._

Illumi had been foolish. So, stupidly foolish to become attached to someone he could never have. Even if he had never been loved by his family, and even if he’d never known how to love, he still felt this care and this attraction that was undeniable. He didn’t even know if he could truly feel love, but if he couldn’t, he felt the closest thing he could possibly get to it towards only one man. 

They met on one of Illumi’s missions, in a bar where the man’s ever-increasing irritation with the blandness of his life reached a peak, and he decided to start a fight with the surrounding customers and the bouncers. He slew them all with ease, using only a playing card, such a simple feat only increasing his boredom. That was, until his amber eyes locked onto Illumi’s stygian ones.

That was when the assassin felt the first flare of a new emotion that he could not describe. 

They say that eyes are windows to the soul. 

They reveal people’s darkest intentions: the good, the bad, the in between, nothing is shielded from onlookers who gaze past those windows into the ocean of sin that lies underneath. However, a playful smile sidelong with a carefree exterior can do well to mask what lies behind those murky waters. 

The man’s eyes did not escape this rule. Were his emotions easily discernible, his eyes would have betrayed him a thousand times over. Those amber orbs were not sprinkled not with that of gold, but of pyrate, his traitorous habits reflected in his every move. He was pure, in a sense. He was guided through his life with his emotions rather than having a set goal, temptation and impulse were the pushing factor behind most of his decisions spare for the few that would affect his single life purpose: combat. 

“Your aura is mesmerising,” The man had said, and such praise made Illumi _insatiable._

“I would love to fight against you.”

The raven-haired remained stoic, completely expressionless as he managed to hold back all the raging feelings aflame within him.

“What is your name?

“Hisoka. Yours?

“Illumi.”

Hisoka had raised an eyebrow at this, dropping his bloodstained card and walking up towards the assassin.

“Well, well, well. I certainly never thought I would find a member of the Zoldyck family out here, but I can’t say I’m disappointed.”

Hisoka was bold; he brought his hand up to caress Illumi’s cheek- an action that earned a shiver from the black-haired man, but he pulled away instinctively. 

“You have certainly caught my interest.~” 

They became allies; Illumi dared not say friends, his mother would kill him, and slowly but surely he fell deeper and deeper into this new emotion that he didn’t have a name for. They teamed up on missions, helped each other when they got injured, and always offered one another a place to stay. Truly, it was a dedication, a feeling Illumi had never felt before he met Hisoka.

_However, a paradise can be taken apart with such ease._

Panic clouded Illumi’s judgement. For his entire life, he had been told to never care for anyone, lest his entire life be destroyed from underneath him. “Assassins do not have friends.” The phrase that had been drilled into his head since birth was going to be so hard to overcome. When Illumi suspected that he was in love, he didn’t know what to do other than tell his parents. They had always been right about everything, this would be no different. 

He sat still on a chair in his room in the Zoldyck manor as he waited patiently for his mother and father to enter. The air around him felt cold against his pale skin, although it could have just been the nerves talking; Illumi rarely sought out his parents for guidance, as he rarely needed it. However, this emotion that ate at his chest was something he supposed only they would be able to help him with. Fear rushed through him at the mere thought of ever talking to Hisoka about such a thing. Yet, he also was concerned about just what his parents would do to him. _Would they react badly? Would they throw him out? Would they torture him?_ The idea of physical punishment was not a foreign one. 

The sound of the heavy door creaking open snapped Illumi out of his thoughts, and he looked up to greet his parents. 

“Hello, mother. Hello, father.”

Silva remained completely stoic. Kikyo, on the other hand, was as enthusiastic as ever, throwing her hands up in excitement at the idea that her son could possibly need something from her. 

“Illumi! What is it that you wanted to ask of us?” Her voice echoed throughout the room, shrill and piercing. 

He didn’t know where to begin. 

“I didn’t know who else to go to. This is something I’d rather not speak about, but it’s been bothering me for quite a while.”

Kikyo’s expression morphed into something more serious, and her hands dropped to her sides. 

“I’ve been feeling something about someone. I don’t know how to explain it as I’ve never felt it before, but it invades my dreams at night, and I think…” He trailed off, fear preventing him from continuing right away.

“I think I might be in love.”

He should have expected the reaction that ensued, but it still pained him nonetheless. Kikyo stood sharply, her features contorted in wild anger as he slapped Illumi across the face, the sound loud enough to deafen the black-haired’s ears. 

“Assassins do not feel love!” She screamed, and she grabbed him by his shirt, throwing him off of the chair on which he sat to the concrete floor. The thud was sickening, but she didn’t relent, stopping down with her high heeled shows onto his body. He made no attempt to fight back or even to defend himself. He merely sat there, defenseless, only closing his eyes and letting her have her way. 

_She was right, after all._ He should not be feeling love. It was the worst mistake he had ever made, falling into it. 

“Let’s remind you of the only thing you should be feeling.” 

He didn’t know if she was referring to a dedication to his family, or pain, but he didn’t expect a chance to find out. She dragged him out of the room and to their training room, changing him up against a metal rack and tearing his shirt off his body. 

“Say it.” 

“I’m sorry.”

The whip lashed across his skin, but he didn’t scream, or even flinch. 

“Not that! Say the other thing, you fool.”

He knew what she wanted him to say, and the ends of his mouth quivered as he stared blankly at the floor below. 

“Assassins don’t have friends, assassins don't feel love.”

Even though that was the right answer, Kikyo whipped him again, and again, and again. 

After one last final crack of the whip, she threw it onto the ground and stormed out of the room, her footsteps reverberating off the unforgiving walls.

_Finally, Illumi was alone._

He undid the chains himself, walking like his limbs didn’t belong to him; every step was a negotiation rather than an order. The agony burned throughout his body, concentrated mainly in his back, but it commanded his attention with a grasp strong enough to make his muscles falter, and he collapsed to the floor.

_He really was a failure, wasn’t he?_

The feeling wouldn’t stop, and he felt as if his world was crumbling around him. A single thought plagued his mind: _how much easier would it be if he was dead?_

No. He needed some sort of clarity. Such a thought was reserved only for the darkest of times, he was only to kill himself if he failed a mission, Kikyo had told him. 

Illumi’s heart burned with a longing; he yearned, ached for Hisoka, _but he knew he could never have him._

He didn’t even notice that his feet had taken him far outside the boundaries of Kukuroo Mountain, now standing on a cliff that overlooked the city below. The moon was hidden behind a sheet of clouds, tonight it was the star’s duty to fulfil the duty of lighting up the night sky. Heaven’s Arena stood tall in the distance, the gargantuan building standing tall even compared to the other skyscrapers and the mountains in the distance. It shimmered with a radiance that rivaled that of a precious gem ripe for the uncovering.

_That’s where Hisoka belonged. Not with him._

The soft winds caressed his slender body as he walked up to the building and entered it’s massive halls, the sounds of the escaticic crowds on the floors above making him feel relatively uncomfortable, and he walked into the elevator. 

Floor 250.

Perhaps his final destination. 

He was giving himself one more chance, based purely on luck. If Hisoka were there, he would tell him how he truly felt, but if he weren't. Well. Illumi had needles on him at all times for a reason.

Regardless of his mother’s personal opinions on the matter of suicide, he just could not live like this anymore. He was a failure, to himself, to his family, and to the man he loved. The pain, both physical and mental, followed him like a plague he just could not escape and he longed for any sort of release from it. 

The elevator clicked open, and Illumi walked into the familiar halls. 

“Hisoka?” He called out.

No response. 

He almost laughed at the silence; it taunted him with its deafening sound and he wanted to scream. It seemed like fate had other plans after all, and Illumi had no intentions of fighting back against it. 

He walked silently into the bathroom and laid down in the porcelain tub, eyes closing as he relaxed into his thoughts for one last time, his ebony-colored hair cascading down and surrounding him as if he were a doll.

His slender fingers gently picked up one of the yellow-tipped needles. He never attempted something such as this before, death via suicide using his Nen.  
_No one would be a better test subject than himself._

As he lay in the empty bathtub, his thoughts wandered once more to Hisoka, the man who indirectly ended his life. Illumi’s heart ached at the realization that the magician would not miss him in the slightest; he would just move on to another person who fit his interests, someone he could fight against, someone he could kill. Illumi knew that Hisoka didn’t love him. No one loved him. _He didn’t deserve such things._

The cold metal of the needle grew warm in his hand the longer he played for time. There was no need to wait any longer. He activated his Nen in one final display of pure radiance, his aura consuming the air around him with a despairing intent, it was tragic. He set the order: Die. And with that, he moved his long curtain of hair out of the way, and slid the needle into the base of his neck.

_No._

His eyes widened, the regret immediate.

_No, I still have a chance, I can make him love me._

He only then realized that his ability could allow him, no matter how immoral it may be, to make Hisoka his. It would be a wrongful act and it could ruin everything he had worked to protect, but truly, at this point, he had nothing to lose.

 _‘The world is cruel,’_ Illumi realized as the light began to fade from his eyes, his thoughts growing hazy as he struggled to reach to pull the pin out from his neck. Death embraced him with welcoming arms the moment he heard the door creak open and heard the footsteps of a familiar redheaded man walking in. He reached out his hand in one final act, and watched as Hisoka’s eyes widened as he screamed out in pain. He was too late, it was too late. Illumi’s eyes closed and his hand fell to the floor. 

_‘But love is crueler.’_


End file.
